where is the sea

the sky is cold

nibbling at my edges
the earth is hard
chewing at my feet

where is the sea
all soft
and warm
and final

where is the sea
all soft
and warm?

6 comments:

reuben said...

I like this a lot. Is this a new one? Your stuff is going sea-ward these days.

Gauri Gharpure said...

nice.

cud the second stanza come at the last? thought so because 'final' would end the poem with a punch..

feddabonn said...

@roob: comes of living so near the sea i guess. it feels like it is constantly lapping at my dreams.

@gauri: that is how it originally was, and it changed back. i felt the 'final' at the end was too predictable, and unnecessarily gloomy. also preferred the rhythm of having the extra syllables in the first bit, and not in the repetition. thanks for this kind of feedback, is what i need more of!

Ruahines said...

Kia ora feddabonn,
I can sense the sea deep within you. The sea and the mountains are never too seperate from each other in this beautiful land. We need to keep it that way.
Robb

Gauri Gharpure said...

predictable, gloomy, yes. agreed..

words and where you place them. these are the kind of little decisions that matter so much, no? :)

feddabonn said...

kia ora robb, quite true: the sea and mountains are never too far here!

@gauri: so true!